Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/rhod rhod_20140510-1845a.mp3

Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my kitchen in London with Lucy Beaumont, and Barry Castagnola joins us later.

Lucy B__, / Hello. / Hello. / Hiya. / I can't tell if it annoys you that I call you B__, or Beautiful Mountain, instead of B__. / No, __ really __, isn't it? / Is it? / as much as ... 'cause some people say B__, and that actually, ohh, that's ... __ / I will try to avoid doing that. / Yeah. __ __ __, B__'s all right. / __ __ __ __ / Well, people might think that I want that, I call myself B__. / Yeah, no you don't. __ when you say / my co-host today is ... / can you / this is why / about __ having this conversation ... __ I should have just called L__ B__, and none of this would have happened. B__, B__, ... it sounds so much better in French than in H__. / B__. / Yeah. B__ / it's b__ __ / All right. It's not __ though, is it? Let me try it. __ __ go. Go on, you say, you say in H__ / B__. / B__. / All right, you win. / Uh, nil, to me, I think.

Lots of tweets, this week. Lots of tweets __ producers __ actually sent through the tweets that I don't ever look at 'cause it's not my, uh, twitter thing. It's just, uh, producers do it. Uh, and I can see why I don't bother with twitter, to be honest, when I read these. Look at this one. This person, __ __, is tweeted @Rhod Gilbert show, "Cats like their heads / scratched. They like being stroked under the chin, and behind their ears, gently rubbed. / Huh huh ... __ __ / I've ... I've never mentioned cats. I __ nothing to do with cats. / Nuh? / I never, at any point, have we discussed on this show, the correct way to approach a cat, or to, in any way, enhance its day. / Nuh? / Never. So, somebody's tweeted that ... / Why haven't you? / Who ... / why haven't you? / well ... well, / discuss it / maybe that was a subtle way of saying / prompt / consider __ our feline friends / why / all about? Somebody's just tweeted us that. "Cats like their head scratched." I know they do. I know ... I'm not an idiot. I know how to treat it if a cat walked in here, I know exactly what to do with it. / Would you shoo it out, or would you scratch it? / scratch its head. / Would you? / under the chin and gently behind ... I'm not sure I would do the last one, actually. I'm not sure, if I didn't know it, I'm not sure if I gently rub behind its ears ... that'd feel a bit intimate, doesn't it? / Not till you've got to know it / There's a cat who lives upstairs. / __ it? / we quite often ... yeah, he does live upstairs. Central London's weird, innit? / Yeah. / there are all sorts of tennants, and, there ... there's a housing problem in this country, I'm not surprised if there's a cat living in a two-bed flat upstairs on his own. Uh ... um ... you can't get out __ __ need to get a cat flap", I've told him. "You can't reach the handle" ... um ... why would somebody send in, uh, ... anyway, this cat up ... upstairs, um, I saw him on the street last night. / Did you? / street last night / he wasn't / he was just coming home. / yeah. It was __ about six. / Yeah? / He was coming home, as usual, coming down the street. And, um, I said "Hello." / Huh. / And, uh, he arched his back, / Ohh. / and I, uh, scratched the top of his head. / Oh, right. / back / did that to make / bigger __ __ intimidated? No? / I don't think so / __ __ __? / I think ... I don't think it would do that / not why / cat / look / back / intimidate. I'm six-foot tall and 13-half stone. He was eight inches off the ground. Even with an arch back, __ __ by 11 __ / what would it take for a cat to intimidate you, Rhod? Do you ... / risen up on his backpaws__. / Le__ed? / Le__ed. And, uh, a straight ... you know those straight punches, __ really short straight ones? / Oh yeah. / if you / one of them, one of them to the ... to the __ __ / just / arches back. / No? / It takes more than that to frighten me, cat, if you are listening.

"Hi, Rhod. I was listening to last week's podcast and thought I would share my own ..." Uh, we did a pet-sitting ... pet-sitting disasters. / Oh, right. / people / looked after __ __ people's pets / don't it? Ridiculous thing to do. If you have a pet, you shouldn't leave / Go on / you / such strong opinions about this. / it's ridiculous, pet-sitting. / What? You mean it's ridiculous to __ ... are you blaming the, uh, __ pet-sitter or pet-sittee? / Pet ... pet-sittee / are you blaming / person who agrees to sit the pet / or / blaming the person who leaves their pet / taking / for a walk is OK / like, be in somebody's house and sit / like ... / We don't have to sit / I think / just a phrase, "pet-sitting" / should take / the pet with them / why can't you / take a pet with you? / need a portable pet if you are going to places / but / what would I do if I go ... go abroad __ my dog and I can't take it there / go to India. I can't take my dog to India / You can't go to India. You've got a dog. / Good point. It's all academic. I'm not going to India. / You are not? / __ __ the dog. ... So, you're saying pet-sitting shouldn't exist? / It just ... yeah. / There should be no such thing as baby-sitting? / We ... You know ... / What about baby-sitting? How do you feel about baby-sitting? / Well, that's all right, isn't it? / It's all right with a baby / not a pet? Is that what you are saying? / Eh ... / portable baby you can take with you / __ __ a bit different, isn't it? I think / would you wanna be portable? / A portable baby? / You said it like it is a new idea. ... Portable baby. ... It does sound like a ... do you think we'll ever see the day when we get a portable baby? / One day. / I think so. It can't be far away. ... can it? ... "Hi Rhod" ... Anyway, this person obviously thinks that pet-sitting is a thing, it does ... it does exist, despite what you think. / Right. What does she say? / "Hi Rhod," It's from Becky. / describes herself / listener #8. / How did she know? / 30 / they all know / "Hi, Rhod. I was listening / last week's podcast, and I thought / pet-sitting / -gone-aurie story. / Right. / aurie spelt / funny old word / itself, innit? ... "When I was about five, I had a pet rabbit." We might need the, uh, ... let me just read down. Are you ... are you happy to do that music / is that a yes? / let me just read on / yeah, we definitely need it. / When do I come in? / Come in now, if you want ... "When I was about five, I had a pet rabbit. / I don't know the rest of it. / Just keep going like that. / OK. / Just keep doing that one ... / that one line. / OK. / "When we went on holiday ... when we went on holiday, my grandad agreed to look after the pet rabbit. But when we returned, it had gone. ... The latch was open, and my mom said my grandad must have simply forgotten to lock the hatch. And Snowy had made a break for freedom." / Oh / away / oh, look at that. The production team in Cardiff have stepped in. They've stepped in / musical breech, the musical c__ that you left / stepped in / They've stepped in. They've stepped in / this what they get paid for / finally / does add __ __ lifts the whole feature, lifts ... lifts the whole feature. So, they've got home, they had gone away, five years old / grandad / forgotten to latch it / and the rabbit's gone ... or so they thought. Twenty years later, I was telling this story to someone, and my mom revealed that Snowy the rabbit hadn't escaped at all. Instead, she had told my grandad ... that Snowy was such a scratchy, bity rabbit ..." This is the girl's mother. / Yeah. / The girl is five. She left her rabbit / her grandad / her mother had told / grandad Snowy isn't a very nice rabbit. / Oh. / "Grandad had killed it and eaten it in a pie." That was j__ / said it was delicious. Apology if it upset anyone. It is ... grandad, what are you doing? / I do apologize if it upset anyone lisening to this awful end. / Oh. / I hope the music is soothing, at least. Needless to say, since finding this out, I've never asked my mom or grandad to pet-sit for me." ... Don't ask him to baby-sit either, Becky, if I was you. He sounds like a lunatic / Oh, that's awful.

Do you know / when I was a kid / Did you, Rhod? / his name was Lupert. / Ah. / and, / he escaped / had a hatch / Huh. / and / little thing called a "run". / which / sort of / a bit of a room to run about on the grass, but he b_rrowed underneath it, and out. / And ... / dug / hole / or so I thought. Who knows? / maybe my grandad ate him in a k__sh. Who knows? / what else have we got here? We've got / lots, ... lots of, un, tweets and things coming in about cats now that we've __ __ the subject. Here we go. Here they come. Uh, Alice / Rhod Gilbert show / Lucy Beamont / what noise would a cat make if it were brought up by dogs without ever seeing another cat / there it is. I thought we were gonna knock it about a bit __ __ __ I thought it was a good subject, this, / people texting in, emailing in, we __ knock the subject around a bit / sorted. "Meawowwoff__" / Yeah. Blended. / Blended. There we are. There it is. Uh, so, you think that, the, / nature-nurture thing, isn't it? / instictively come out / never here / another "meawow" / because of their vocal cords / capable / it would attempt / "woff" in the end, just to, kind of, bond? / yeah, yeah, definitely. I think / without doubt / anything a dog can do, a cat can do / That's not true, is it? / Uh ... / Actually / never / a cat / Britain's Got Talent / __ about __ / much more impressive act if it had been a cat. / tell / I've met him / the bear? / Not the bear. Actually __ P__ / in Britain's Got Talent / really / thing / oh my word / bear with one eye? / forget / live / one-eyed yellow bear, isn't he? / Yeah, that's ... they didn't win Britain Got Talent. / it wasn't / teenage girl with a very-well trained / man in a bear costume / I don't believe / things, the things that made them win / was this dog walking behind / dancing dog routine, honestly, / man in a suit / it woul have been a lot less impressive / OK / cat / do that / cat / seen / Jack the producer __ showing you a picture / P__ the, uh, dancing dog / Britain / not P__, the children-in-need mascot / must / that picture of P__? / I honestly say, I've seen __ picture / loads of times, and never once have I thought / right there / former life / you know / something, couldn't it, / naturally ... / I think / I don't think / any, sort of, history of ... / Well, she should, um, socialize with her friends more. / Arguably ... but, if you had been a cat, it would have been / __ __ __ / a whole lot more impressive / done / dancing routine / mission impossible / whatever / cat / it would have been incredible / definite standing ovation from a very hard-to-please Britain Got Talent audience. / You are right. / Notoriously difficult to please, Britain Got Talent audience. ... Uh, regarding cats, psycopath, all of them / Cats psychopath / says, uh, / I absolutely love cats. I love cats / infinitive / yeah, a lot of them, yeah / maybe / psychopath / in the second half of the show / I didn't tell / and it was alarming. I had to stop halfway through / you / a problem / psychopath test. If you realize halfway along / test, innit? / yeah yeah, yeah. / I'm gonna do / in the second half of the show, you and Barry Castagnola / part / supernatural __ __ all that sort of thing. / Is it? That's gonna / added / wrong

Little Barry Castagnola is here with the third microphone gaffa-taped to my m__ tree / Is it ... do you know / take a little trip to, uh, somewhere / other electrical stores are available / I think you are fine / mug / picture for you / as always / people like that sort of rubbish / it's all rubbish / it works just as well / I would argue / in the world / look like a rock band or something, uh, it'd look weird, innit, / rockn' roll / it's not very rockn' roll, uh, I do admit / tweet / you can text / 12, and you can ... what's the other one? Phone / the gang, and, I / email here, Barry / you might be interested in / you were on. "Dear Rhod / awl-backwards-attack strategy feature ..." / Oh, yeah / were you involved / can you remind me / man who looked after a pet awl / friend / kicks off / pet-sitting, uh, feature / very Halloween pet-sitting story today / I'm not gonna repeat it / not / give __ the basics / No. / OK / grandad ate somebody's rabbit / Oh. / basics / E__, by mistake. / ... by mistake / E__ / was / there's a rule in this / not a shark / keep going forward. Never / onwards / OK / what / attack strategy feature? / you mean / yeah, it was, it was, basically, / a man looked after / awl got free, and he was quite flippant / maybe / that's right / said / awl / you've got a remarkable memory. I couldn't remember anything of that. / Nuh? / this guy / left / repeated / left his awl / pet awl / somebody / yeah / got away / really flippant / making little jokes / wise cracks. No pun intended. / we / that. / Did we? / three and a half / three and a half wingspan / it must have been a big cage / ok / allowed to / as long as / if / home, do measure up / walking backwards / we were talking about / head / turn around, traditionally / Traditionally? / head round / what awls are known for / being wise / we were wondering why / pretend / walking backwards, uh / head / I'm not sure / go hand in hand / that wise / just swoop / show off? / Ah, yeah, I haven't thought of that. / We wondered / around and creeps / backwards, so / looking the other way / head in the wrong way / worth / anyway, "... this evening," __ says, uh, this is from Tim / Win__ ... "Regardsing / which was, uh, which was / whether / backwards, looking the other way. / I mean / this evening / a bit of context / celebrating a birthday meal, / come back / one day / is that necessary information? "I was explaining your awl-backwards-attack strategy feature to my wife. She seems somewhat sceptical that two grown men could seriously consider it feasible / awl / such a convoluted attack strategy." I think it's perfectly feasible. if you __ about stranger things nature / killer whales / throw a / hit with the other / or that kind of stuff, don't they? / Yeah. / I think they've been married a while / for a birthday dinner and / talking about a feature from your show. / awl / just / birthday dinner / happy birthday / quickly / get on to something I hear on Radio Wales. ... Uh, she was sceptical / further, further, the wife / confidently asserted that it is a well-known fact that awls attack 'on the wing' ... that's a nice phrase, 'on the wing' Does that mean / swoop / probably / I'm no awl-expert / here we go / expert / Lucy? / No. Far from it. / Far from ... what is ... what's the farthest / you think / I can't even detect / heard / in our garden / I was told / wood pigeon / as far as / I'll tell you what / noise / I'll tell you what / far from it", / expert / I did not realize you would be able to, sort of, justify / give an example quickly / would you consider yourself / awl-ignorant / You are awl-illiterate / feature; How awl-illiterate are you / the whole feature into one word / never done before / bit of / new / show / That's the feature. Tweet that, somebody / tweet that. Today's first feature, and only feature: Hawliterate, which / one word, meaning / how / very / thinking / wood pigeons / years / years, because / same sound / remember / here's a wood pigeon, "whhhhooo ..." ... no, that's an awl. / See? / you are right. It is difficult. Hang on / all over my head / do you remember, a few years ago there / advert on TV for an insurance company / which / something to do with / phone number / two-eight, two-eight, two / yes / available / very good / work / wood pigeon / insurance / this might help you / remember / how / no / is / that wasn't / pegion in that / that / "coo" is it? / I presume / weirdest thing is / my favorite sound. ... It is my favorite sound in the world / and I cannot remember how it goes / look / forgotten / each other / just / to be fair / I've never had one / pigeon / only, um, / just normal / definitely / annoying / day / one leg on the tube the other day / you know, on the tube / no / 'cause I thought / where did it go? / it __ at Winbledon__ / how / it knew / every time / needs to get off / look / and the, didn't / knew where / at every stop / head / look / Yeah. / down / station access and stuff / one leg / yeah / other places are available. ... This is from, uh, Tim H__ / W__ / says / talking / confidently asserting, if you remember / awl / turn / walk / hunts ... attacks on the wing. ... Coincidentally she works / school / have an awl expert. / Oh, brilliant. / we've got an / associated awl-keeper / sorry / school / awl / expert / visiting the school next week / ask him / if / safe to feed ham to a piranah / If you remember, that was / on the show / same show / whether / safe to, uh, feed ham to a, uh, piranah / is it? / don't / definitive answer / friend / piranah is alive and well. I can't say "kicking" / the end of the story / my piranah is dead, my piranah is dead / put / freezer / staying in the freezer / completely / end of that / bad memory

gonna / circled / picture / Daily Express / quite shocking to me / investigative journalism / like / a picture in here / looking / better than / price / other / other deals are available / picture / said / gosh / looks comfortable / many / every / comfortable sofa / out of the way / out of the way for a start / woman sat on it / looks comfortable / reading / capture / reading or something / just / ready / in the day / then you came in with this startling fact, Lucy / do / sofa companies / adverts / small / in-proportion models / make / surface look bigger / that / reaction / sofa company / hear this, "... use small models to make / small / in proportion / don't notice / like Tom C__ films / smaller actresses / Top Gun / because / every scene / really strong in filming / because / slightly bent down / door frames / taller / biggest secret in / secret about Tom C__ / one of them is about / how / along / motorbike / that / actually / toy / only three inches long, that bike. / know / famous / tiny / everybody says is / mind you, / must be quite small. ... Otherwise / match / make / surface look bigger / adverts / do look big / look / because the models are small / could / apparently all sofa companies / may or may not be true / know / people have heard / gossip / normal models and then, sort of, / something / photoshop / bigger sofa / small / when you get there / really / can you? / psychopath test / jingle / what / don't matter / "Are you a psychopath? Take This Test" says / Daily Mail / feels / probably / monster / spectrum / Rhod / this show / OK / devised / diagnostic / indication / just / incidently, no doctor should be called Kevin / sound / dr / dr / very / Kevin / who / kevin / kevin / indicate the extent / each statement / four minutes / whole test. #1: / disagree / ahead / spur-of-the-moment / agree / start with Barry / hang / moment / plan ahead very often / moment / sometime / depends / well / paranoid / first question / plan / things / that's true / anything / that / Dr. / doesn't allow for that / cheating on your partner / long / caught / no / with that. / some people / psychopath might / gonna / after / if something better comes along / OK / long-standing appointment / yeah / that's my psychopath sound / Barry / well / so / Lucy / slightly / seeing / in pain doesn't bother me / slightest / bothers / really / driving fast cars, riding roller / rollercoaster / not rollerskates ... and skydiving / appeal to you, / Lucy B__? / no / not / do / right / back in the game / matter / step / to get what I want / yeah / people / gang / stag night / toilet / stand on somebody / sleeping / makes / would / get / absolutely not / I'm very pursuasive / what I want / thinking about this, ladies and gentlemen / chinese / pyramids / I think / too specific / not in / Chinese / service / Kevin / good / make my mind up quickly / still / sort / answer / easy / under pressure / I do, atually. / strange / honest / I don't know / if you / one / think / able / con / is that their problem? / probem / deserve / someone / fault / clever, isn't it / yes / I do con people, but, / like what? / If / train ticket / go / sometimes / probably ilegal, but carry on / sometimes / when / fifty quid / something like that / psychopath / day / go on. / money / I think / somebody would / I'__ managed / Edi__ to London / without / everything / whole / how did you / psychologically / don't wanna reveal your / criminal, but / I thought / well / myself / on radio / first-class before / coming / now / at one time / pretended / first / just in case / seats / normal coach class / very badly wrong / apologize / now / reveal / turned into / biggest / came / swaying a bit / sorry / first class / OK / absolutely packd / again, and when he came back, / did it completely sober / very badly wrong / realize / in the company / only / only thing / would / do / I see / outrageous / toilets / in such a mess / sometimes / hooligans / give lessons / do this. / Lucy / save it for the judge / apoligize / how to con train companies / answer / scored / muximum / Barry / if / why / live / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

If you enjoyed that one, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert / Saturday / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.